A Veteran of "Wedding Wars"

I'm a veteran of weddings. In my life, I've probably attended at least 750 of them. Nope- I'm not a freak or hopeless romantic... I actually get paid to go. I'm one of those anonymous people whom neither party knows... and who provides sonic atmosphere to help enhance the mood of that all-important day.

We musicians are legion, and thanks to the internet, connected. So, when I went to one of my favorite music boards and saw a thread entitled, "Brides are Stupid," I just had to drop in. Follows: the poster's thread-starter and my response. It might give a little insight into the world of the freelance musician...

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I just played a wedding ceremony.
Outside.
Yes, on December 29. And though I do live in the desert, and the wedding was just outside Zion National Park, it was FREAKING COLD!!! Luckily I have a quintus cello, but that didn't help my fingers any! It was probably in the 30's.

Why are brides so stupid?
Also, why was I so stupid?

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Quote: Why are brides so stupid?

In most cases, I believe it's because they are 22, 24 years old... and singularly dedicated to carrying out plans that started as a fantasy when they were 10 or 12.

12-year-olds are not known for pragmatism or common sense. As Cruel Fate would have it, neither attribute is actually a prerequisite for a good fantasy. (Fate seems to enjoy a particularly vicious sense of irony, I've learned.)

So- you have a completely harebrained scheme, hatched by a person who's mind is only one-third formed... now being executed by a driven young adult- with a mission, a pair of blinders, manic enthusiasm, and the boundless reserves of energy that can only be found in those in their 20's. Oh- and did I mention the 10+ years of practiced, and now well-honed emotional manipulation techniques? That little 12-year old now has teeth... and she ain't afraid to use'em on anyone who is seen as an impediment to The Objective.

And all the while, the Mother of the Bride [music cue: "Doom chords"] co-ordinates the activities- sometimes in the background by Machiavellian means, sometimes by employing the "Bull meets China Shop" stratagem.

By the time the hapless, defenseless musician is engaged, both Bride and MOB are in full assault mode. Obtaining The Objective is the only goal- nothing else matters. "Damn the caterers- full speed ahead!" Sweet 40-something ladies become Sergeant Jonas Blane from The Unit, and The Bride is riding point. This well-tuned Special Ops Unit will achieve its objective at all costs- leaving chaos, attrition, and the bodies of failed wedding planners in their wakes. Noone is safe.

I've also learned that the more financially well-off the parents, the more extravagant, wasteful and foolish the scene... because they have the resources to provide EVERY LITTLE DETAIL of their little princess' prepubescent fantasy. Fathers of the Bride (FOB) are the culprits here... throwing the equivalent of many 3rd-World Nations' entire treasuries at making a Disney Fairytale become flesh. (shudder)

"I don't care how much it costs... you find a way to bring six 'My Little Ponies' to life, RIGHT NOW... and they'd better be hitched to that gilded carriage by 1:00 PM Saturday!!! The gilders did their jobs. The coachmen are ready. Are you going to be the one who makes me angry? You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Ponies. 3 pink and 3 blue. With glitter. GET IT DONE!!!"

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Face it, [poster's name]... you got rolled over by a force that is immune the laws of physics, nature or Man. It's not your fault. You came into contact with Strike Force One, backed up by Big Momma, and bankrolled by the shadowy figure known as Daddy Deep Pockets. You were a goner when the phone rang.

Oh- and you're not stupid, either. Charitable, yes. Naive- maybe. Smarter next time? Oh, girl- most definitely.

Get it all down in writing. Have a temperature/weather/act of God clause in the contract. MAKE THEM SIGN THE CONTRACT. MAKE THEM HONOR THE CONTRACT.

Ancient wisdom from the book of ZenZilla: The source of their greatest strength is also the source of their greatest weakness- they want The Objective to be obtained- at any cost. When you get their names in ink, you have helped to set that cost... preferably at a price point that is beneficial for you. Remember- it's their Little Princess' day that is at stake- not yours. If they don't like your conditions, they are free to roll over someone else. Someone with a looser contract.

Trust me, Tracie- they'll do what you want. I mean, how can Their Little Princess glide down the aisle without hearing:

D....A....B....F#....G...D....G....A....?

.02,
Zilla